Profile: Women at the Gym and Being a Better Person

My response to: “But I don’t want to get bulky.” before last weekend:

My response to “But I don’t want to get bulky.” after last weekend:

Bearmode

 

SO! What happened to you last weekend, Josh?

Well, I had the first major fight with my girlfriend of 5 years. I said some stuff about her family, she punched me in the face. All good, healthy relationship stuff. The argument ended up being resolved with compromise. I would work on being more accepting, she would work on not punching me in the face. Done.

With a weight lifting blog I decided to tackle one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to answering questions on routines/diet/anything. The pet peeve is women and their fear of bars and plates.

Now before any female readers get all “We can do it!” on me; I mean women who have no place in a gym wanting to get “toned” and “lean” but somehow believe that a woman’s workout should look any different from a guy’s. It shouldn’t.

Women, you are just as capable, if not more than men, at following a weight lifting routine. You’ll look better and feel better because of it. So hop off the treadmill and grab some dumbbells and barbells. I have plenty of info on this blog to get your started. For a tried and true collection of everything you need to know, head to: http://www.liamrosen.com/fitness.html

The reason you won’t get “bulky” is the lack of testosterone in the female body compared to a man’s level. Testosterone is one of the main hormones involved in muscle building. Men have 17 times more free testosterone than women. So if you have some aspirations of looking “bulky” and overly muscular, you’re going to have to start taking some anabolic steroids and deal with fun side-effects like “clitoral enlargement”(I learned this yesterday).

Jamie Eason is a great reference point of what a “men’s” lifting routine looks like on a woman with no performance enhancing drugs:

HNNNNGH

She’s pretty much the poster-woman for natural bodybuilding. Her Website is a great start for routines and motivation beyond the basics.

SO! Here’s a decent sample routine for women.It’s a basic upper/lower body split that should give you a feel of what muscles do. You’ll also how much of a pain in the ass doing basic activities with Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness(DOMS) is. Keep this up for six weeks with a protein-rich diet and you’ll become a boyfriend-beating machine. Be sure to check back for advanced routines in the future.

It’s a pretty dense routine, but if you focus on the big 3(deadlifts, squats, bench press) with most of your energy you will notice strength gains quite quickly.

Monday / Friday:

• Bench Press
• Dumbbell Flies
• Pull-ups
• Seated Row
• Military Press
• Lateral Raises
• Dips or Tricep Pushdowns

Wednesday:

• Leg Extensions
• Squats
• Leg Curls
• Deadlifts
• Walking Lunges
• Standing Calf Raises
• Roman Chair Leg Raises
• Crunches

Leave a comment, ask a question. Follow me on Twitter.

Words of the week brought to you by Edmund Spenser:

“And all for love, and nothing for reward.”

Thank you.

Profile: The Sampler

Stats:

Name: Sampler, Bro Sampler…Brampler

Occupation: College level advertising student

Steroid Cycle: 800mg  Test ethanate, Dianabol. 40mg Clomed when he starts growing tits.

Favourite phrase: “I’m natural, bro.”

He’s about 5’10”, 200 lbs and shares his dimensions with a carrot. All bulky up top, complete with greasy skin and acne from all the roids. He has the biggest case of ILS I have ever seen, while actually having huge lats. Google image searching “gym guido” would give you the general idea of his stance.

The “Sampler” is a name I coined myself for this guy, or any type that follow the following workout rules:

1. No proper routine.

I am definitely a people-watcher. I mean, I have to do something between sets. Anyways, the gym I go to is basically a giant rectangle of mirrors with a raised platform on the side with cardio machinery. Separating the Dumbbells and Barbells from the machinery(or the casual from hardcore) is a long mirrored partition. The geography of my gym is important.

The Sampler takes laps around this glass partition and stalks his prey: The open machine. I mean any machine. This guy has no “legs day” or “push/pull day” there’s only “find a bar attached to a cable that no one is using and pull on it until you can’t anymore…-day.” Then, he proceeds to check himself out in the mirror to make sure the muscle he just “worked” is pumped up enough to warrant showing it off.

I’ll let Arnold explain the pump:

2.Asks People for advice, then gives his own.

His actions with people are almost exactly like my run in at the squat rack. This is the guy everyone hates, and he knows it. He’s fueled by hate. To him, hate looks like jealousy. To him, jealousy feels like victory. He’s like the bully in 5th grade when your mom tells you to just ignore him and he’ll go away, but he steps on the back of your shoes at recess anyways(Fuck you, Cameron).

After pinning his own ass in the locker room and doing half-repetitions biceps curls he still had the balls(or lack thereof dohoho!) to tell me to watch my bench press form. Like all people at the gym, I humour them at the time of the confrontation then complain on a blog/explain to my bored girlfriend(Sorry Jenn) how much of an asshole they are.

TS: “Hey man, sorry to bug you but you shouldn’t arch your back like that because hyper-something exploding sternums, my buddy died(I forget the details)”

Me: “Oh I’ll keep that in mind. I’m just using the powerlifting technique perfected by Dave Tate(Watch this, your life will change forever).”

TS: “Put your feet up on the bench, it will help you flatten your back.”

Me: “But I don’t want to die”

TS: “PAYCE!”

But seriously people, get educated on every move you’re about to make before you step into the gym. According to stronglifts.com putting your feet up causes:

• Lower Back Pain. Your lower back hurts when your feet are flat on the floor. Stop avoiding what hurts, work on spinal flexibility: cat/camels.
• Overload. You want to make the Bench Press harder by removing your legs from the movement

Watch that Dave Tate video, change your life.

3. If the workout takes more than 30 seconds to set up, it’s not worth it.

Finally, The Sampler believes he’s in the matrix and relies on machines for all of his exercises. I mean, who wants to spend minutes changing plates over on a bar to get a proper workout when you can half-ass it and practice putting a rod in a hole.

There’s a joke here…

With any testosterone-based steroid, there’s really no need to practice a safe workout. As long as you stimulate the muscle there is growth. So The Sampler and people like his looked jacked, but are completely useless when it comes to gym knowledge. Unfortunately, this leads to new people at gym asking these guys for advice and getting royally fucked over in the end from said bad advice. The Sampler is particularly bad for this because he takes the initiative to tell people the wrong thing.

So! If you’re interested in lifting weights but you don’t know where to start, follow my guidelines. I have 5 years of natural lifting experience and I have only been injured once due to reasons beyond my control.

Step 1 Read everything in this link: http://www.liamrosen.com/fitness.html You’ll find everything from what to eat to how to plan your first routine.

Step 2 Don’t buy into pre-workout supplements or lifting equipment. If you need straps, you aren’t strong enough, work on your grip. If you need a belt at any weight lower than 350lbs, you aren’t strong enough, work on your core.

Step 3 Don’t find the cheapest gym, find the best. Sure, that gym within walking distance is only 10 bucks a month but there’s no squat rack or barbells, weights that are integral to a proper routine. Be prepared to drive/take public transit. Getting huge isn’t easy.

Words of the week brought to you by World famous strongman Jon Poll Sigmarsson:

“There is no reason to be alive if you can’t do deadlift”

Thank you.

Ass Touch Grass and Profile: The Guido Broscience Jedi

“One leaf for each rep.”

Thanksgiving day at the gym. Legs day. Box squats, squats, hamstring curls, calf extensions, stretching, then I’m outta there.

Ladies and gentleman, the whitest attempt at rap:

I strut up to the squat rack

And what do I see?

A guido curlbro

It was a catastrophe.

I asked “How many sets?”

He said “Three more”

He was curling in the squat rack

Something I abhor.

So I tapped him on the shoulder.

This had to be a stunt.

So I screamed at the guy:

“YOU FUCKING -”

Goddamn, I wish I could spit verses that lethal on the fly.

The truth is, the gym was busy. Everyone in Hamilton must have been feeling extra guilty about their second helping of mom’s pumpkin cheesecake. The treadmill farm was completely filled with hamster-like old men and cardio bunnies sucking up Earth’s resources to run without moving. I could probably pick up the dumbbell rack itself it was so empty. Oh, and the air smelled like Binbrook.

When I do eventually get to the one squat rack my casual gym has there’s Pauly D from Jersey Shore(Googling this show feels…dirty) supersetting biceps curls with lunges. I mean white wifebeater, two huge rings, diamond earrings, gelled up hair, fake tan, the works.

I had my earbuds in listening to Liturgy. I had to let one bud out to at least make it seem like I wanted to converse with him. He’d do and say all the usual stuff like help me unload and reload plates, say “nice set, brah” and spotted me when I needed it.

UNTIL! I started my ass to grass squats. He started with a “Woah bro!” Oh god he called me bro. I was about to have a broseidon amount of broscience dropped on me…bros.

Google knew exactly what he looked like. Strange…

He continued, “As soon as your hips go lower than your knees bro, you’re tearing up fibres. You won’t be able to move ten years from now.”

I hear this bullshit all the time, and from trainers too. The validity of his broscience can be explained by a quote from one of the many studies done on the validity of deep squatting:

There are several schools of thought on squat depth. Many misinformed individuals caution against squatting below parallel, stating that this is hazardous to the knees. Nothing could be further from the truth. (2) Stopping at or above parallel places direct stress on the knees, whereas a deep squat will transfer the load to the hips,(3) which are capable of handling a greater amount of force than the knees should ever be exposed to.                                                                  -2 Ariel, B.G., 1974. Biomechanical analysis of the knee joint during deep knee bends with a heavy load. Biomechanics. IV(1):44-52.

Fun fact: Matthias Steiner, 2008 Beijing Olympic gold medalist squats low to prepare for his lifts. Going that low is a necessary part of the lift, all Olympic lifters need to train this way in order to perform their insane 258kg lifts. A low front squat is an integral part of the Clean and Press, one of two main weight-related Olympic events.

Well, tall grass.

I thanked Mr. Pauly for his advice. “No worries bro, no worries. Hey watch my form too.”

Deep squats feel good, I can still walk, so I’ll continue doing them. Haters gonna hate.

Has anything like this ever happened to you? Ever been given advice you knew was wrong? Tell me about it.

Words of the week brought to you by Frank Yang:

Thank you.

Profile: The Leatherman

Stats:

Height: 6’3″

Weight: ~240lbs

Profession: Ex-wrestler

Favourite film: Slingblade

No, not the tool. Although, he looks and sounds like he was a tool in his mid-20’s, when machines were still powered by steam. Not a very timid creature, the Leatherman comes out of hiding in the early morning before sunrise.

He is often seen getting around on a rusted bicycle. With his flip flops on, he passes the “no flip flops” sign with confidence, as if words were just a series of markings that controlled the sheep feeding the machine, man.

Ahem…

Here is a normal encounter between The Leatherman and myself:

Three days a week I’m fed, and at the gym by 4:30am.  When I pull into the parking lot, Leatherman is riding his rusty bike to the front entrance. Rain, snow, hail; this guy is riding his bike to the gym at 4:30am. We exchange nods to acknowledge the fact we see each other every morning. This is the extent of our relationship.

How did The Leatherman get his name? His skin looks pretty much like a brown Italian leather sofa.

He probably sticks to things when it's hot out.

If he were to fall asleep drunk on a curbside on a Friday, there would be three guys loading him into the back of a pickup truck an hour later. There’s more hair on his shoulders than his head. Two gold genie earrings hang low through the flaps of his ears. Every step pushes out an echoing grunt.

More importantly, I really believe he wants to kill himself.

At the back of the gym, away from the 5 biceps isolation machines which sit empty until high school gets out. Behind the treadmill farm lies the scary den of the free-weights. A sign hangs above the mirror telling people to speak to a personal trainer before entering, because otherwise you will most definitely die.

I’m doing my squats when I hear a *GRUNT* *CRASH* *GRUNT* *CRASH* towards the benches. It’s 4:40, and only The Leatherman and myself are in here. He is benching two plates, that’s 4×45 lb plates+45lb bar for those who aren’t familiar with gym lingo, and 225lbs for those who aren’t good at math.

The problem is, his elbows are nowhere near parallel, the *CRASH* sound is the bar smacking into the hooks on every rep and when his arms are extended, the bar is sitting directly above his forehead. Not to mention he’s using his sternum like a trampoline to push the bar up, hip thrusts and all.

Like this guy, except imagine him trying to chop himself in half at the chest.

…I was surprised how long it took me to find this video…

Now I know what you’re thinking; someone should tell him that bruises probably mean he’s doing something wrong. Perhaps that the person should be me. I have seen people attempt to tell him the right way. He just gets physically angry and starts pushing. Perhaps he is still a tool.

Words of the week brought to you by Tolstoy:

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

Thank you.